The Father Wound

This is a hard subject for many, for me it especially difficult. My parents divorced when I was a freshman in high school and the emotions that followed for me were strong and powerful. It is what drove me in all I did and what drives me now.

Present or Absent, good or bad, the relationship of a father and son is SIGNIFICANT. Proverbs 17:6 "...and the glory of sons is their fathers." Naturally sons love, adore and worship their father. The problem is most Dads don't embrace the opportunity to invest in their sons.

In 1960 11% of children grow up apart from their biological fathers, today it is 33%. We are living in a fatherless generation. Research shows that fathers uniquely add value to their children.

The Father Wound is "an ongoing emotional, social, or spiritual deficit that's caused by the lack of a healthy relationship with Dad and now must be overcome by other means." For some it is like a small paper cut and for others a gaping wound. For me more of a gaping wound.

3 Common Responses of the Father Wound:

1. Anger and Pain: Without dad, there is a vacuum in a son's life and part of what fills that vacuum is RAGE. I remember so many times rage coming out during football games, getting kick out of a game in the 9th grade due to fighting. Fathers need to fill their sons up with substance, with meaning, what it means to be a man.

 2. The bottling up of feelings: To pretend like you're not affected. The problem is you can never completely bottle it up, it'll express itself somehow. After I went to college I remember ignoring the emotions I had, only to explode on my family, to explode with anger on the football field. The anger will always find its way to the surface usually in the form of addictions, obsessions, drugs, porn, or performance. You are trying to prove your worth to an invisible dad.

3. An inner sense of lostness or incompleteness. Incompleteness can be relational, never being accepted or validated by dad. A son hungers for a father to declare him worthy, give him praise, declare him a man. I enjoyed talking with my dad after games but I desired something more, something deeper.

Here's the good news the absence of a great father is not insurmountable. Through Christ all things are made whole, through Christ all things are made new. Remember He is our Heavenly Father.

I have 2 sons and I want nothing more than to be a great father to them, to show them what is means to be a man of God. Here is what sons need: 1. Time together with you: this puts weight into a son's soul that steadies him for life. It gives him the security that Dad really cares for me. My boys like for me to play legos with them, jump on the trampoline, read to them. 2. Life skills: practical skills, how to treat a woman, how to shave, balance a check book. Teach them how a man is supposed to act. 3. Direction with solid answers to the "why" questions of life: talk to your son about the important things, higher things, and the noble things in life. 4. Deep life convictions: this comes from the actions you model as a dad. 5. Dad's heart: your son needs to hear I love you, I'm proud of you, tell your son your good at.....something.

Your son needs marked moments for him where you can cast a vision for his life, where you can affirm his strengths and gifts and commit to help him step into that future vision.

I do have so many good memories of my Dad, playing ball, hunting, fishing, good times. I love my dad. Hopefully I can be the father my sons need. I want so badly to be the man, husband, and father God calls me to be, an Authentic Man.